Sunday, July 11, 2010

It's the lies that hurt

I find the lying difficult. Only to the people I care about. 5 days a week I head off to work at my lovely day job and come home to my flat that I share with 5 others. We all ask each other 'how's your day'. On the 6th day of the week they kinda know I'm not at work, but I always disappear before 9am and return sometime after 7pm. I think my flatmates might assume I go to my office job on Saturdays. Occasionally they ask where I'm going or where I've been, I always say to a friend's house, I use the name of The Manager, it make me feel like it is less of a lie.

This I'm ok with, I like my flatmates but I'm not close to them.

I do have other friends who I want to tell, I know they will be cool with it, but I just don't have any reason to tell them and I'd prefer to keep my prostitution information limited to a need-to-know list. This knowledge that I'm keeping secrets from people I like doesn't sit well with me, and has, over the past year, resulted in a resurgence of an annoying social anxiety disorder: blushing.

I know blushing is normal and no big deal, but it can really hinder my ability to be myself. I tend to be an open and honest person, and fearing that I might be found out, knowing that I'm lying by omission increases the frequency, depth and sensation of my blushes. I used to have a huge blushing problem a few years ago, I when to a hypnotherapist (that made it much worse), a clinical phycologist (who was patronising and condescending) and finally a acupuncturist that reduced the blushing and my general anxiety levels.

So I've gone back to an acupuncturist, I find the sessions painful and the anxiety of seeing the acupuncturist actually now outweighs the anxiety from blushing (or anticipating blushes that inevitably result in blushing). But it's not as bad as it could be, if I think it is getting out of hand I might just tell my friend what I do. But for now I'll keep my secrets to myself and deal with the sensation of heat and redness with as much grace and dignity as I can muster.

Fortunately I don't blush in the brothel, guess I'm just comfortable there, nothing to hide.

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